Come Too Fast? Find Out How To Stop Premature Ejaculation

As we’ve seen, there isn’t a simple physical way to stop premature ejaculation. Knowing how to control yourself when you make love involves changing both how you think about sex and what you do during sex.

For a man with good control of his ejaculation, speeding up or slowing down his climax is all about the amount of stimulation he receives during foreplay and intercourse. If he wants to come quickly, he will do those things that excite him the most: that might be thrusting in a particular way, adopting a particular sexual position, holding his partner in a particular way, or even engaging in a particularly arousing fantasy. If he wants to extend the length of lovemaking and stop premature ejaculation, then he may find a way of thrusting that reduces the pressure on his penis, adopt a less arousing lovemaking position, not use any fantasies, or refrain from looking at his partner in the way that he finds most arousing… or anything else that helps him to keep his arousal below the point which will ejaculate.

Now it’s true that this is a very effective way of controlling arousal, and a man who can do this will automatically know how to stop premature ejaculation. If you don’t currently have that level of control, then it can take a little while to learn these techniques – but learn them you can, and learn them you must if you want to stop premature ejaculation.

Having good control of your ejaculation means staying in the level of sexual arousal below the point at which you are going to ejaculate. This area of sexual arousal is between the point where you begin to feel sexually excited and the point where you know you’re going to ejaculate. It’s a balance between sexual arousal and bodily tension on the one hand and self-control on the other. You can only exercise self-control if you can keep your sexual arousal and muscular tension below the level at which you will ejaculate; by doing this repeatedly, you get more tolerance for sexual stimulation and therefore become better able to stop premature ejaculation.

For men who come too soon, anxiety and tension as well as arousal, are the enemies of self-control. A lot of men find it impossible to distinguish between sexual arousal, muscular tension, and even anxiety. But in a way it doesn’t matter what makes you come quickly: you simply need to be aware of whatever it is in you that is increasing during your foreplay and lovemaking (call it passion, tension, or whatever you like), so that you can reduce it in whatever way helps you to stop your advance towards orgasm.

As an aside at this point it’s helpful to point out that ejaculation is not a reflex reaction is beyond your control; as a rough analogy, think of the way a child learns to control his need to pass water… He starts off by urinating without any control, then learns first when he needs to urinate, and then  learns to inhibit the urination response so that he can get to the toilet with complete control. To stop premature ejaculation requires a similar learning process. It’s a bit like breathing, also, in that most of the time you don’t even think about it, but you can bring it under conscious control when you choose to do so.

So the first step in controlling PE is to become aware of your arousal or tension level. For a lot of men this requires focus of attention on the general area of their penis and scrotum, or their pelvis, or wherever it is that they feel the change in sensation, in fullness, in tingling, in tightness, or whatever sensations they feel as they become more aroused. And although your attention may wander during sex, as soon as you are aware of this, you can bring it back to the area which gives you the signal of how aroused you are: the more you do this, the easier it will become. And so the question arises: when do you need to do something different? Obviously, to stop premature ejaculation you need to be in the zone of arousal where you have control. You should avoid going too close to the point of no return; yet at the same time it’s good to feel aroused and excited. You might want to help yourself judge how aroused you are, by rating your arousal on a scale from 0 (no arousal) to 10 (the point of climax), and sticking around 6 or 7.

In the next post will look at what exactly you can do to stay in this zone and stop premature ejaculation.

In the last post I introduced the idea that knowing how to stop premature ejaculation is more about changing your behaviour during sex and adopting a different mental attitude than anything physical such as popping a pill or using an anaesthetic lotion on your penis.

It might be a bit hard for men who have had trouble stopping premature ejaculation to understand that the cause of rapid climax lies in overstimulation, or more accurately, over-arousal, than in any physical issue. But what sex therapists have found in many years’ work with rapid ejaculators is that the route to knowing how to control premature ejaculation is through a program of behavioural change and adopting a different mental attitude.

Basically men who do not know how to stop premature ejaculation are not making changes in their mental attitude and behaviour which are needed to remain at consistently high levels of sexual arousal without coming. There are several reasons for this: one is that men don’t focus on their own feelings and sensations, so they don’t know that they are near to the point of ejaculation; another is that they don’t know when to change their behaviour (which generally means knowing how to slow down sexual arousal, and knowing how to stop getting stimulated while making love); and a third is that they simply don’t know what they need to do in order to stop premature ejaculation.

Before I talk about techniques of stopping rapid ejaculation, it’s worth remembering that there are many benefits to gaining ejaculatory control. For one thing, you’ll feel much more confident about yourself as a lover, and probably much more confident as a man. Your partner will certainly be very appreciative of the effort you’ve made to slow down and even stop yourself coming. And last but not least, your own orgasm is most likely to feel much more rewarding.

Now I should point out that stopping premature ejaculation and being able to last much longer – in other words having greater staying power – isn’t necessarily a route to a woman having an orgasm during sexual intercourse through vaginal stimulation alone. It’s certainly possible that if you can last much longer your partner might come in this way, but there again she may require clitoral stimulation either by your hand or her own hand, or from a vibrator to reach orgasm.

And it’s also important to realise that for some couples stopping premature ejaculation is not an issue: if both partners are happy with the way the couple have sex, even if the man reaches his climax quickly, putting a lot of effort into trying to stop premature ejaculation may not be worthwhile.

Finally it’s also very important to remember that there may be some particularly personal factor which allows you to stop premature ejaculation and exercise long-lasting control. The problem is you may discover this by experience: I’m thinking of one man I knew who started climaxing very rapidly indeed in the final stages of a relationship. When he got together with a new partner who he’d actually known for years, and between whom there was a high level of trust and acceptance, he found that he was able to stop premature ejaculation with no difficulty whatsoever. In his case, high level of trust with his partner was a key factor in controlling himself during sex.

So all that said, what are the exercises that will allow you to retrain your body and mind so that you stop coming too quickly? We look at these in the next post.