Love and Sex

The Tantric texts have much to say about human sexuality, but they all agree that sex is best enjoyed within a stable and loving relationship. To the Tantrikas, sex is not just something you do for pleasure, it’s a deep and profoundly meaningful way of exchanging sexual energy.

Since sexual energy comes from the divine, the universal life force, the fundamental energy of the cosmos (also known as spirit, soul, chi, ki, kundalini, or cosmic consciousness), when you have sex with your partner, you actually exchange universal energy and you enter into a spiritual act of worship, an act of ultimate lovingness.

Shaking off what you’ve learned about your sexual inheritance

But of course getting in touch with this energy is hard if you’re not comfortable with your own sexuality. Western society, for some reason (probably because of its religious traditions) has always seen sex as sinful or dirty, and we’ve all absorbed guilt and shame about our own sexuality, and it isn’t easy to get rid of this…. The nearest we can get to ta loving and spiritual combination id to explore the energies of the archetypes and bring them into our journey through life, sex and tantric relationships.

But, to enjoy the true expression of love and sexuality that is the aim of Tantric practice, you must learn to be thoroughly relaxed about your body, your sexuality in general, and your lovemaking in particular, so you become a man or woman capable of giving and receiving loving sexual energy on a very intimate and personal level.

For a man this probably means embodying more of the masculine energy of the warrior archetype and the  king (or sovereign) archetype. For a woman, it may mean embodying more of the magician and lover archetypes.

You need to start by developing a sense of love for your own body: indeed, you need to be able to love it as you would expect your lover to love it (i.e. with complete acceptance).

But, like the rest of us in Western society, you have probably been brought up to think of the human body as irredeemably flawed if it does not conform to the images of perfection peddled to us by the beauty industry, the media, and the fashion industry.

Images of so-called perfection are all around us, especially images for women, who are faced with Western concepts of what female beauty should look like on every magazine cover, billboard and TV program they see. Which woman genuinely doesn’t care what she looks like?

Which man wouldn’t like a flatter belly or a better body? Try and think of your lover as a person who sought you out so as to learn something profound, to use you as a channel for divine sexual energy, not as someone who wants a perfect lover with a perfect body. If you can do this, you will understand that your body is perfect for them just as it is.

Just how can you be comfortable with your body?

For genuine Tantric sex you must be relaxed about the appearance of your body. You must be willing to let your lover see it – and be comfortable with this – even if there are a few stretch marks or excess pounds around your waist, or your breasts and/or penis don’t match up – in your opinion!

Remember, your true lover doesn’t care what you look like – they love you just the way you are, and you are the person they want to be with, and you’re occupying the body they want to enjoy. (By the way, if your lover keeps suggesting you change something about yourself, maybe you are not with quite the right person for Tantric sex…)

Make a start on loving yourself!

When you’re alone, get a full-length mirror and stand completely naked in front of it. Look frankly at your reflection and listen to what is going on in your mind. The appearance of your body matters not – what matters is what you are saying to yourself about it.

Do you feel free, relaxed, sexy perhaps? Or ashamed and shy? When you stand naked like this, all the sayings and statements about you that people put in your head count for nothing – what matters is what you yourself believe to be true.

And only you can alter your perceptions, since only you have control over your sexual and spiritual energy. So the first and most important change you must make as you become expert in Tantric sex is to accept yourself, your sexuality and, most of all, your own body.

Of course your lover will perceive what you feel about yourself if you carry this with you when you make love, but it isn’t anybody’s responsibility but yours.

Such self-acceptance is required because Tantric Sex uses sex as a means to expand and enhance your sexuality and spirituality. It doesn’t involve casual sex, group sex, gurus, celibacy or unsatisfying sex.

When you understand the importance of the energy generated, enhanced and exchanged during sex, you truly understand Tantric sex, and you then have a way to connect with the divine energy of the universe.

Next: what do you expect of sex, and of your partner? Start by writing down all the things that you expect from your partner. What do you want during sex, during periods of intimacy, as you make love?

What do you want to do to them? What do you want them to give you? How do you like to be held, touched, and caressed? What do you want them to give you, or to do for you?

And what do you not like? What would you like to try but have never dared to do? Write all this down and exchange it with your lover. Compare your answers and see what surprises there are in stall for you – but don’t let this develop into a fight: the purpose is only to learn about what you and your partner want, since in Tantric sex there is neither right or wrong.

There is just non-judgmental acceptance and respectful recognition of each other’s emotions, sexual desires and, especially, your sexual practices.