Ways to control premature ejaculation
You might already be sensing that you have some control over the timing of when you ejaculate. But slow down your partner as she masturbates you, or stop her altogether. That way, you can discover a new level of control over what previously seemed to be your unstoppable progress towards orgasm. (Read about this here.)
The next step is to learn how to accept more stimulation without rushing towards your orgasm.
Gentle massage, caressing, stroking and touching are the first steps of the exercise. When you have a erection, your partner stimulates you more by using a lubricant (such as Probe, Astroglide, or massage oil) on your penis, and she can also give you oral sex as she masturbates you. Once again, you need to keep track of where your arousal is going, and to stop your partner when you begin to feel you’re approaching the moment of ejaculatory inevitability.
Make sure you lie still and don’t tense your muscles. The lubrication, and the more intense stimulation it produces, will teach you a further level of control beyond any you have at the moment.
If you really feel yourself on the absolute edge of ejaculation, get up and walk around. This may stop the ejaculation and give you time to get your arousal level down. Wait a few minutes before you ask your partner to resume masturbating you.
Over the course of a week or two, you will learn to tolerate higher levels of arousal without coming. The aim of the exercise then becomes to keep yourself near the point where you would have to ejaculate, but without doing so. For example, if on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 meant that you were going to come, then you would aim to keep yourself at 7 or 8.
As your partner masturbates you, focus on your arousal level, and when you get to 6 or 7, tell her to ease off or slow down, so you can keep your level of arousal high without ejaculating. If you suddenly lose it and ejaculate, well, just put it down to experience and try again next time!
After working on this with your partner – say 2 or 3 times a week for 4 weeks – you will find that you can more easily stay aroused without ejaculating. One problem may be that you lose your erection in the face of repeated stimulation and cessation of stimulation. There’s a useful guide to dealing with erectile dysfunction here.
What’s more, if you can stay aroused for 15 minutes or so before your partner brings you off, you’ll find that the intensity of your orgasm is much greater and more intense when you do ejaculate! (The UK version of this guide to erection problems can be found here.)
You need to make this more gradual approach to ejaculation a habit pattern, which is best done by practicing 3 times a week. When you practice over and over, it will become the normal response in your body – just as your quick ejaculation is your normal response right now.
The next step in ejaculation control
Next, you can enhance this work by sliding your penis along the lips of her vulva without entering her. This must be fun and relaxed, so don’t put pressure on yourselves and make it a strain. Just enjoy the whole thing. Start with the kissing, cuddling and caressing which by now will be familiar to you. Satisfy your partner if that’s what you both want. Then, turn your attention to your penis!
You begin, as always, by lying on your back, with a good erection. Your partner will use lots of slippery lube and then climb over you as if you were going to make love in the “woman on top” position.
Instead of you putting your penis in her vagina, though, she will slide your penis back and forth between the lips of her vulva. You don’t move. Yes – that’s right: no thrusting, no hip movements, nothing. You literally lie back and enjoy it. And you keep your eyes shut, and your hands off your partner, so that you can better concentrate on how you are feeling.
This will all be very exciting and no doubt you’ll feel your arousal going up. But you’re learning to keep your arousal under control, so you need to monitor how excited you are, stop her moving, and ask her to lift her vulva off your penis, when you feel you are approaching the moment of ejaculatory inevitability.
Once again don’t slip into the all-too-easy place where you think, “Oh, it’s alright, just this once. I’ll be able to get control back next time.” That’s not the point! Your self-discipline here is important to make the whole process of controlling your ejaculation actually work.
When she stops, rest for as long as necessary to reduce your arousal level to the point where she can safely get back on your penis and slide her vulva along it again. You don’t really want to lose your erection, just to rest for long enough so that your arousal goes down somewhat and you don’t ejaculate.
Repeat this whole stop-start sequence 5 or 6 times, then continue to orgasm. Enjoy it!
You’re going to do this for three weeks, and with each week that passes, you can introduce more stimulation into the routine.
So, in the second week, open your eyes and put your hands lightly on your partner’s hips. This will add to your arousal, but by now you will have greater control, so you will still be able to stop your partner moving in time to prevent your ejaculation. If you want, as you approach the point of ejaculatory inevitability, close your eyes and take your hands off your partner. This may lower your arousal and help you concentrate on telling her when to stop.
In the third week, keep your eyes open and touch her body. Fantasize a bit if you want. At this point you are aiming to keep her sitting on you with your penis between her labia when she stops moving. The idea now is for you to develop more sophisticated control, so that you can stop yourself ejaculating while you are still receiving some stimulation.
At first this stimulation will be the warmth and wetness of your partner’s vulva resting on your penis. But as you develop your self-control, you will find that you can control your arousal so well that you don’t feel the urge to ejaculate even while she continues to move slowly and gently on you.
But all the time, you need to keep your awareness of your arousal, and monitor where you are on the road to ejaculation.
In our next post we will complete the steps needed to gain greater ejaculation control.