Category Archives: gaining control in bed

developing more stamina in bed, gaining control in bed

Controlling Premature Ejaculation Part 2

Holding Back Premature Ejaculation 

hat’s so difficult about holding your ejaculation back when making love?

I’d say a guy who reaches the point of ejaculation inside two and a half minutes of entering his partner is probably coming too soon. And he’s unlikely to be obtaining the highest levels of sexual pleasure for himself, and he’s most likely not pleasing his partner sexually very much, either.

So, in the following paragraphs, I’ll explain some simple tactics which could help you to delay ejaculation and last longer in bed during intercourse.

Of course other things come up (forgive the pun!) when you lack the ability to hold back on your ejaculation: for instance, you might feel shame, lower masculine self-respect, a sense of failure as a lover, and you’re probably very well aware of the dissatisfaction of your sexual partner. Truth is, most women like sex, and it seems the time they want it to last for is around 15 minutes.

However, the average time for which intercourse actually lasts is around 9 minutes. Oh dear. And the average time among premature ejaculators is less than 3 minutes. How do you compare with that?

Some lovers decide they will deal with rapid ejaculation in a sensible way, most likely by making sure that the woman has an orgasm before penetration. And it is true that sexual intercourse and lovemaking can take many forms! Think oral sex. Think mutual masturbation.

Yet, although this can satisfy some couples, it still means that the woman has not experienced the intimacy of extended penetrative lovemaking. This is a sensation which many women actually crave, and which many say can be as rewarding as orgasm itself.

In short, to improve the quality of your life and your relationship in every way, both sexually and in every other way, you need to know how to delay your ejaculation and last longer in bed.

The average length of sexual intercourse will not satisfy most women, even if they’ve achieved orgasm before intercourse starts.

Women want to know their man has the power to last longer in bed so that they can enjoy the sense of intimacy and connection which making love gives them.

Simple advice to improve your staying power and sexual stamina.

A vital part of learning to last longer in bed is that you discover how to be more relaxed while having sex. (For those who have problems with the psychology of sex and relationships, finding a coach or therapist can be helpful.)

Having sex makes the muscles of your body tighten as you become more aroused. You know this is happening when your breathing becomes shallower and faster. Together these changes speed up your progress towards orgasm, which makes it essential to counteract them.

Surprisingly, it is possible to remain relaxed and keep your breathing deep and slow even as you become wrapped up in the excitement of sexual arousal.

The simplest way to avoid tension is to keep a small portion of your mind focused entirely on the amount of muscular tension you are experiencing, and to keep track of your breathing so you can slow down and take deep breaths if necessary.

So every time you sense that you’re getting more tense, take time to slow down, and consciously relax all your muscles. Ejaculation delay, delay, delay. Think about it!

And again, if you notice your breathing is getting shallow and fast, slow it down and take several slow, deep breaths. These two simple strategies will actually enable you to delay your ejaculation for a surprisingly long time.

Another important principle of ejaculation control is that you know when you’re going to come. Many men who want to avoid premature ejaculation are unaware of how aroused they are, so that their ejaculation surprises them.

Become more aware of how aroused you are and you can control your progress towards orgasm by slowing down the rhythm of sex, resting gently inside your partner and giving your arousal time to decrease.

And practice on your own: masturbate with a slippery lubricant such as olive oil; repeatedly bring yourself towards the point of ejaculation, but stop before you come. While you do this, watch how aroused you are, and stop masturbating before you actually shoot your load.

Don’t just delay ejaculation, but enjoy the sensuality of the self-arousal too. The first few times you try this, you may find that it’s necessary to stop well in advance of the point of no return; with practice, you’ll be able to bring yourself much closer to the PONR and remain there for longer.

More information:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22827115

If possible, bring yourself near to the point of climax four or five times before finally taking pleasure in your climax. Simply by using this technique you will rapidly discover how to delay ejaculation and make love for at some extended time.

You can then adapt a similar technique for full intercourse, slowing down or stopping your stimulation when you become too aroused.

Vaginal Intercourse & Premature Ejaculation

Prolonged vaginal intercourse is a desirable thing for most men.  Imagine  not ejaculating the minute you enter her! OK, so what do you do to achieve this? 

Start, as always, with sexual caresses and gentle foreplay. Satisfy your partner sexually if she wants it. If you are going to enjoy intercourse, at the point where you are ready to enter her, lie on your back.

You’re going to have sex with your partner on top while you lie on your back. You can put your penis at the entry to her vagina or just inside it, and see what that feels like. If you feel like you are about to ejaculate, ease off or away until the sensation passes.

Remember the idea is to maintain your level of arousal for as long as you choose without coming. Your partner must be wet so you can get into her easily. If she’s not aroused enough, go back to some sex play that gets her lubricating freely.

When you’re sure you’re in control of your arousal, with your partner on top, put your penis inside her vagina and rest there without moving. 

Think about how it feels. If everything has gone well, you will be able to enjoy this most wonderful feeling without coming. If, by some mischance, you do ejaculate the minute you’re in her, it isn’t a disaster. Don’t get uptight and apologize or mentally beat yourself up!!

Just enjoy the ejaculation, let yourself go fully into it, and make the most of it. Then, when things have calmed down, go back in your exercises to the point where you last had good control. Don’t despair! Just work through it again, perhaps taking more time over the exercises before you ejaculate.

If all goes well, and you are now in her and comfortably in control of your ejaculation, guide her up and down with your hands on her hips until you are comfortably aroused but not going to ejaculate. Keep it that way by adjusting the speed and depth of your partner’s movements. Don’t move yourself!

Stop her moving and rest if you get too close to coming. You can even take your penis out of her vagina and rest if you feel this to be more helpful in developing your self-control. Resume when your arousal has decreased.

Your desire to ejaculate will decrease at this point, and when it has done so, guide her into resuming her movements, once again pausing when you get near the point of ejaculatory inevitability. It is important that during the first three repetitions of this sequence you do not thrust.

And it’s probably obvious to you that the longer you both go on practicing this before you ejaculate, the more control you are developing. However, on the fourth repetition, let yourself go, focus on how it feels and thrust until you ejaculate. Enjoy!

The crucial thing is that you try and focus on what you’re feeling all the time, so that you know when you’re about to ejaculate and can stop her moving before it happens. 

If you find your arousal increasing too much you can also close your eyes so you don’t see your partner’s breasts. If you’re really having problems of self-control, you can stop your partner moving altogether and wait, resting inside her, until your arousal decreases and you’re back in control.

There’s a small possibility that you may lose your erection as you try these exercises. If so, this guide to overcoming ED may be helpful.

The last step is for you to actually begin thrusting. Do this gently at first, so as to work out how aroused you get and how quickly you move towards orgasm. The essential point to remember is that you are in control: you can control the speed and depth of your thrusting to regulate your arousal. At some point you will find a balance between movement and arousal and you’ll then be able to continue thrusting for as long as you want to without ejaculating.

delayed ejaculation, developing more stamina in bed, gaining control in bed

How to control premature ejaculation

Ways to control premature ejaculation

You might already be sensing that you have some control over the timing of when you ejaculate. But slow down your partner as she masturbates you, or stop her altogether. That way, you can discover a new level of control over what previously seemed to be your unstoppable progress towards orgasm. (Read about this here.)

The next step is to learn how to accept more stimulation without rushing towards your orgasm. 

Gentle massage, caressing, stroking and touching are the first steps of the exercise. When you have a erection, your partner stimulates you more by using a lubricant (such as Probe, Astroglide, or massage oil) on your penis, and she can also give you oral sex as she masturbates you. Once again,  you need to keep track of where your arousal is going, and to stop your partner when you begin to feel you’re approaching the moment of ejaculatory inevitability. 

Make sure you lie still and don’t tense your muscles. The lubrication, and the more intense stimulation it produces, will teach you a further level of control beyond any you have at the moment.

If you really feel yourself on the absolute edge of ejaculation, get up and walk around. This may stop the ejaculation and give you time to get your arousal level down. Wait a few minutes before you ask your partner to resume masturbating you.

Over the course of a week or two, you will learn to tolerate higher levels of arousal without coming. The aim of the exercise then becomes to keep yourself near the point where you would have to ejaculate, but without doing so. For example, if on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 meant that you were going to come, then you would aim to keep yourself at 7 or 8.

As your partner masturbates you, focus on your arousal level, and when you get to 6 or 7, tell her to ease off or slow down, so you can keep your level of arousal high without ejaculating. If you suddenly lose it and ejaculate, well, just put it down to experience and try again next time!

After working on this with your partner – say 2 or 3 times a week for 4 weeks – you will find that you can more easily stay aroused without ejaculating. One problem may be that you lose your erection in the face of repeated stimulation and cessation of stimulation. There’s a  useful guide to dealing with erectile dysfunction here. 

What’s more, if you can stay aroused for 15 minutes or so before your partner brings you off, you’ll find that the intensity of your orgasm is much greater and more intense when you do ejaculate! (The UK version of this guide to erection problems can be found here.)

You need to make this more gradual approach to ejaculation a habit pattern, which is best done by practicing 3 times a week. When you practice over and over, it will become the normal response in your body – just as your quick ejaculation is your normal response right now. 

The next step in ejaculation control

Next, you can enhance this work by sliding your penis along the lips of her vulva without entering her. This must be fun and relaxed, so don’t put pressure on yourselves and make it a strain. Just enjoy the whole thing. Start with the kissing, cuddling and caressing which by now will be familiar to you. Satisfy your partner if that’s what you both want. Then, turn your attention to your penis! 

You begin, as always, by lying on your back, with a good erection. Your partner will use lots of slippery lube and then climb over you as if you were going to make love in the “woman on top” position.

Instead of you putting your penis in her vagina, though, she will slide your penis back and forth between the lips of her vulva. You don’t move. Yes – that’s right: no thrusting, no hip movements, nothing. You literally lie back and enjoy it. And you keep your eyes shut, and your hands off your partner, so that you can better concentrate on how you are feeling.

This will all be very exciting and no doubt you’ll feel your arousal going up. But you’re learning to keep your arousal under control, so you need to monitor how excited you are, stop her moving, and ask her to lift her vulva off your penis, when you feel you are approaching the moment of ejaculatory inevitability. 

Once again don’t slip into the all-too-easy place where you think, “Oh, it’s alright, just this once. I’ll be able to get control back next time.” That’s not the point! Your self-discipline here is important to make the whole process of controlling your ejaculation actually work. 

When she stops, rest for as long as necessary to reduce your arousal level to the point where she can safely get back on your penis and slide her vulva along it again. You don’t really want to lose your erection, just to rest for long enough so that your arousal goes down somewhat and you don’t ejaculate. 

Repeat this whole stop-start sequence 5 or 6 times, then continue to orgasm. Enjoy it!

You’re going to do this for three weeks, and with each week that passes, you can introduce more stimulation into the routine. 

So, in the second week, open your eyes and put your hands lightly on your partner’s hips. This will add to your arousal, but by now you will have greater control, so you will still be able to stop your partner moving in time to prevent your ejaculation. If you want, as you approach the point of ejaculatory inevitability, close your eyes and take your hands off your partner. This may lower your arousal and help you concentrate on telling her when to stop. 

In the third week, keep your eyes open and touch her body. Fantasize a bit if you want. At this point you are aiming to keep her sitting on you with your penis between her labia when she stops moving. The idea now is for you to develop more sophisticated control, so that you can stop yourself ejaculating while you are still receiving some stimulation.

At first this stimulation will be the warmth and wetness of your partner’s vulva resting on your penis. But as you develop your self-control, you will find that you can control your arousal so well that you don’t feel the urge to ejaculate even while she continues to move slowly and gently on you.

But all the time, you need to keep your awareness of your arousal, and monitor where you are on the road to ejaculation. 

In our next post we will complete the steps needed to gain greater ejaculation control.

developing more stamina in bed, gaining control in bed, human sexual response

How To Enjoy Better Sex

Enjoying Better Sex

One of the more distressing and interesting pieces of information to emerge from the study of sexual dysfunction in recent years has been the discovery that erectile dysfunction is becoming more common in young men.

It turns out that although erectile dysfunction is more common in older men – as you might expect – it’s also surprisingly common in younger men. About 40% of men in their 40s have erectile dysfunction – an astonishingly high number.

Yet a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine suggests that almost 26% of men under 40 have erectile dysfunction – and half of them have it in a very severe form.

This is quite amazing! We think of young men are sexually potent, constantly looking for sex, constantly needing sexual outlets, and always ready with an erection.

Yet if the data in this study is to be believed, then this fundamental problem needs to be addressed for the sake of the emotional and mental health of the young men concerned.

But why should this be so? Why should there be such a high predominance of erectile dysfunction in young men?

Assuming that causes of erectile dysfunction like diabetes which occur in older men are going to be less predominant in younger men, we are forced back to the conclusion that in fact, this epidemic of erectile dysfunction in young men must be caused by psychological issues.

It seems obvious to me that we are living in a society which is much more stressful than it used to be. It’s also possible that there is much more drug abuse than they used to be in society. In any event, both stress and drug abuse are recognized causes of erectile dysfunction, so if younger men are more predominantly stressed or more frequent users of drugs per capita of population than older men, then that could well be part of an explanation.

And yet, and yet… There’s no problem without a solution, and nowhere is that more true than in the arena of sexual dysfunction, where so much time and effort – let alone money – has been spent on remedies for sexual dysfunctions of all kinds that a solution, no matter how difficult the problem, is within almost everybody’s grasp.

The interesting thing about erectile dysfunction is that about 20% of the 18 million men in America currently affected by erectile dysfunction take prescription drugs – and of course these are well-known as a very effective treatment.

The most common are Viagra and Cialis. But the interesting thing is that a very significant minority of men who take these drugs still don’t get an erection. And when you look into this, it turns out this is because the fundamental basis of the erectile mechanism is psychological rather than physical.

Having said that, the experts also found that men are physically active have better erectile function: a calorie restricted diet and greater physical activity have been found to restore erectile function in even severe cases of ED.

Having said all of that, what about women? Surely there level of sexual dysfunction must also reflect the stress which society inflicts on us all these days?

For women, it turns out that low libido, or low sex drive, is the predominant sexual dysfunction. In fairness, it should be mentioned that there are plenty of sex experts who think low libido for women is perfectly normal, and not in actual fact any kind dysfunction at all.

The viewpoint that low sexual desire is a problem which needs to be solved with a medical solution is a reflection of how sexual activity can be medicalized. (What that broadly means is that drug companies and the medical profession can take ownership of psychological and sexual issues – mostly because there is profit to be made, rather than suffering to be averted.)

But there is a real problem here: in 2008, in a survey of over 30,000 women in the United States aged 18 or over, almost half of the women reported sexual problems. A full 10% of them complained about low sexual desire (aka hypoactive sexual desire disorder or HSDD) needless to say, one doctor described this as “a real diagnosis”.

In the sense that millions of women who go through the menopause may experience low sexual desire, I believe we are all less likely to think of young women as possibly subject to sexual dysfunction of this kind.

Yet women’s libido is a complicated issue. I think we all know that, both men and women alike! And Women Come First, a book by Ian Kerner, suggests that men can do a lot to get women in the mood by spending adequate time on foreplay. That in fact, low sexual drive in women may not be a problem. It may merely be a symptom – of inadequate sexual attention from men!

And interestingly enough, when you dig down into this, you’ll find that sometimes it isn’t the lack of sexual desire that’s the problem, but it’s about the women’s anxiety – their emotional response to the fact that they don’t feel much sexual desire.

Interestingly enough, however, almost 40% of women diagnosed with HSDD report depression. The question that would occur to most therapists here is – well, which came first, the depression or the low sex drive? In actual fact, the two probably go together in a feedback loop which ensures constant reinforcement.

We also recognize these days that contraceptive pills can cause low sex drive. In general, it’s probably much more functional to ask a woman what she needs to become orgasmic than to start offering medicalized solutions which do little to address the specific problems of an individual, but much to address the profits of the doctors or drug companies.

Yet it’s a common complaint among experts in the field that the pharmaceutical companies are producing diagnostic tools for “low sex drive” because they want to medicalize what might actually be a normal human condition.

As one therapist rightly observed, many people today – both male and female – feel a lot of pressure to be sexually active, perhaps too much pressure, leading them to a place of false expectation. Indeed, it could be that what we are expecting women to experience as a normal sex drive is in fact in reality hypersexualisation.

In other words, it’s possible that women are just being pressured into expectations about sex that are completely unrealistic. Combine those unrealistic expectations with hard, possibly stressful jobs, and you begin to build up a very different picture. “A lot of women say the best part of traveling is the hotel room with the giant bed and the clean sheets and no children crying and a husband who wants something from them,” said Steinhart. “Truthfully, women have always been this way.”

And there is now a widespread recognition that stress – that’s to say, the stress of working longer hours, and the threat of job insecurity – is exhausting for people. And why wouldn’t it be? It makes people – both men and women – feel older than their age, it diminishes libido, and in the end people under this much pressure are probably too tired to care whether they have sex anyway.

The good news, of course, is that such a reduction in sex drive doesn’t need to be permanent. We all recognize that our sexual drive and sexual energy tends to fluctuate throughout our lives.

gaining control in bed, making sex better

Human Sexual Response (4) – Resolution

The Resolution Phase

One major function of the orgasm becomes clearly visible in both men and women soon after it subsides.

Orgasm initiates the release of muscular tensions throughout the body, and initiates the release of blood from the engorged blood vessels.

The first notable occurrence in women during the resolution phase that follows orgasm is the immediate return to normal of the areolas surrounding the nipples.

Indeed, their rapid subsidence gives an observer the impression that the nipples are undergoing a further erection – though they are in fact only becoming more visible as the swelling around them subsides.

The increased prominence of the nipples is a sign that the woman has in fact experienced orgasm. This sign appears so rapidly that it might almost be assigned to the end of the orgasmic phase rather than to the beginning of the resolution phase. Another sign of orgasm is the rapid disappearance of the sex flush in women who have had the flush during orgasm.

Accompanying the disappearance of the sex flush, a filmy sheen of perspiration appears on many women. In extreme cases it may cover a woman’s entire body from shoulders to thighs. In other cases the perspiration may appear only on the soles of the feet and the palms of the hands, and there are other variations.

About one-third of the women have this tendency to perspire following orgasm.

About one-third of men also perspire at this time, but the reaction is more often limited to the soles and palms.

Neither this perspiration nor the sex flush is related to the degree of muscular effort prior to or during orgasm. Yet women often show a marked flush phenomenon over the entire body during plateau and orgasm, and during resolution may be completely covered by a filmy, fine perspiration.

Within five or ten seconds after a woman’s orgasm subsides, several other changes can be noted.

The clitoris promptly returns to its unstimulated position, overhanging the pubic bone; however, five or ten minutes may elapse, or in extreme cases half an hour, before it shrinks to normal size. Soon after this the orgasmic platform relaxes so that the outer third of the vaginal barrel increases in diameter.

The ballooning of the vagina begins to diminish, and the uterus begins to shrink. The cervix descends into its normal position, and the passageway through the cervix enlarges perhaps to make easier the ascent of the sperm cells into the uterus.

These processes continue at various rates for various periods of time; as long as half an hour may elapse following orgasm before the entire female body is restored to its erotically unstimulated state.

If a woman who has reached the plateau phase does not experience orgasm, the resolution phase takes much longer – an hour or so in many cases.

In men the most obvious sign of the resolution phase is the prompt loss of erection of the penis and its shrinkage back to its unstimulated size.

This shrinkage occurs in two stages. The first is quite rapid, but leaves the penis still noticeably enlarged. The remainder of the shrinkage is often a much slower process.

The male sex flush, like the female, rapidly disappears. The return of the scrotum and testes to their unstimulated state may be either rapid or slow. If the male nipples have erected, many minutes may elapse before they return to normal.

In both men and women, the pulse rate, blood pressure, and breathing rate gradually return to normal.

A significant feature of the male resolution phase is the “refractory period” that accompanies it.

During this period. a man cannot again become sexually aroused or have another erection. In some men this period may be quite brief; one young man under laboratory conditions was able to achieve three orgasms in ten minutes, for example. But in most men it lasts for many minutes at least; and it tends to increase in duration as a man grows older.

Women do not have a similar refractory period. Indeed, if effective sexual stimulation is renewed immediately following orgasm, many women can promptly reach a second orgasm.

A series of half a dozen or even a dozen orgasms without intervening resolution phases is not unusual for some women; during such a series, some women do not fall below the plateau level of arousal. This “multi-orgasmic response” is described further below.

No single sexual experience proceeds in precisely the way described, just as no individual human being precisely matches the characteristics of the “usual”, or “average”, or “typical” human being. Thus the above description should not be considered a model or norm toward which men and women should strive.

On the contrary, it is simply a description of what often or usually happens. The sexual responses of any individual man or woman will almost certainly fail to show some of the characteristics described above, and will show features omitted from the description. It is usual and normal to vary from the norm.

The same responses occur, in very much the same order, regardless of the type of stimulation (oral pleasure, masturbation, sexual intercourse) that evokes them.

Some responses, it is true, may tend to occur a little more promptly, or to be a bit more intense, when evoked in one way rather than another. Some individuals no doubt respond more readily to one kind of stimulation than to another. Psychologically, the experiences may feel altogether different. But the basic pattern of sexual responses in the human body remains the same.